Let's Talk About Ex, Baby.

 

Today, September 8th, was supposed to be my ex and I's one year anniversary. This day pains me. She broke up with me over quarantine (the day after my birthday :/) unexpectedly, but at the same time, I saw it coming from a million miles away. Honestly, all I want to do is cry right now, but I can't. Her breaking up with me left me emotionless, and I haven't been able to feel a single emotion while sober. I have to get like insanely high to even feel joy, at this point. All the weed in the world can't cure the utmost depression that our breakup brought me. I'm actually glad that today is going to be a busy day full of meetings and classes, but taking some time before all the insanity begins to reflect on all that I've done since our relationship ended seems like a good idea. 

For those who don't know, it was a pretty toxic relationship, but I looked past all the red flags and toxicity of the relationship because I was madly in love with her. I lost all my friends because of her, and honestly, I'm so grateful that I was able to regain a few of them when I finally realized that I needed my life back. I never thought that a life without her was worth living, but her breaking up with me all of a sudden made me realize that I had to live my own life, and not base it on what someone's future plans are. In fact, her ending our relationship allowed me to take my current life into consideration and realize that I didn't want to be where I currently am, emotionally and physically. This led me to apply to schools in New York and Paris for Fashion Marketing, because I want to use my creativity to its extent, and not waste it in advertising in a place like New Orleans, where advertising seems mostly business-forward. 

I think the fact that she disappeared from my life a few days after breaking up with me helped with moving on, too. She doesn't know what I'm doing, and I don't know what she's doing. She doesn't know that I was hoeing around Uptown and that I'm currently in isolation. I guess that when relationships end, sometimes the friendship has to end too. Part of me is glad that I don't have to see her this semester before I leave, because a wise woman once told me that you don't really know if you're over someone until you see them in person. Sure, I've been kissing other people and not feeling any semblance of guilt wash over me, but what if I bump into her one day at the supermarket? (This is very unlikely, by the way.) All the feelings would come flooding back and I'd be a mess. 

As much as I loved her, I think being far away from her while we were both quarantined in our respective states made me realize that she wasn't worth crying myself to sleep every night. Loving her came with so much hurt and pain, and I'm too young to be in so much pain over one person. 

Hope you enjoyed today's post. Not as juicy as the previous ones, but like I said, with this blog comes self-reflection and my own personal tea. Watch this space for the next one.

Stay safe out there, y'all. And remember to wear your mask, keep your distance, and wash your damn hands. 

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