Waving Through A Window

 

Unlike the song from Dear Evan Hansen, I am on the inside always looking out. I have a week left in isolation, and more has happened than I thought would. I got accepted to my dream school in Paris, I had two client meetings this week, in addition too many assignments, and not to mention the history lectures I still haven't caught up on. Being productive is the only thing keeping me from doom scrolling through Twitter and Instagram, but even then, the doom scrolling is part of my nightly routine. 

I've found that I have to surround myself with music because I don't seem to work well in silence. Unless there's someone else in the suite with me--which won't happen for another three days--I have music to keep me company. This led me to making an amazing playlist that will get me through the next week of isolation (if y'all would like to hear it...) and basically curating a chill mood for the following days, as being in a manic state of mind will definitely not be good for my mental health. 

It's funny to wave at your friends from outside the window while they have you on FaceTime or on the phone, because a week ago, you saw them in person, and now all you can do is wave at them and watch them dance in the lounge in the freshman dorms across from your residential building. 

But even looking out the window has gotten boring. There's no one skipping jump-rope with their shirt off and their abs glistening with sweat in the heat of a Sunday morning (yes this actually happened and part of me wanted to leap out of the window and ask him for his number.) Now, it's all just freshman walking to and from classes and the dining hall, or at night, when they congregate and sit in a circle of chairs. I wonder what they talk about. They all seem to be having so much fun, and it makes me reminisce of my freshman days, when I was madly in love with a girl who was madly in love with me, and we would have some of the best times in the Residential Quad. Or when my friends and I would walk to the park after a late night of studying and just smoke and laugh the night away until we were all too high to even walk back to our respective rooms. Now everything's changed. I have to walk 11 minutes away to meet up with my smoking buddy (and really close friend) and find a spot to smoke. It's always under the stars, which is nice, and every time we go smoke, I keep remembering freshman year, where it was always like a group of people, all walking to Audubon and huddling under the gazebo, trying to light a joint on a windy night. 

Reminiscing can also bring back some memories that now bring me pain. Today, while I was napping before a staff meeting, I had a dream about when my ex and I would nap in these little twin XL beds on a Saturday afternoon after having spent some time in the park. It brought me way too much pain when I woke up, but I remember feeling so content in that moment. Who knew that a year later we would be experiencing a global pandemic? The way that we were all so happy a year ago makes everything just seem sadder right now.

But hey, some brightness can come from this darkness. Y'all remember Tulane girl? I kind of wanted to set boundaries between her and I, and like ask her what she wanted from me, basically. And she didn't run for the hills when I asked her! All she wants from me is dick (not quite but you know what I mean) and honestly, I don't usually top, but I will be a top for this girl. Keep in mind that I'm leaving soon, so I also don't want her to catch feelings, and honestly, I don't want to catch feelings for her, but God knows what'll happen. Frankly, I'm really sad to be leaving all the friends that I've made in New Orleans, but also, a fresh start is what I need. I need a clean slate, academically and emotionally, and I guess generally? 

That's it for today's post! The self reflection is gonna be strong this week, as I'm not really sure that I have anything juicy to write about, but who knows? There could be an interesting story out once I finish all my work for this week. 

Stay safe, y'all. And remember, the pandemic isn't over just because you're over it. So don't risk your life to go to The Boot or Bruno's.